For the longest time, I could never hold myself in bhujangasana or the cobra pose and faced the same resistance, if not more, holding ustrasana or the camels pose. Somehow my chest and shoulders always felt so tight and I resisted staying in the pose longer. Until one day during practice, there was a realisation that I had issues with most backbending or heart opening asanas.

So with this new found insight from my practice, I began my journey into inner introspection(svadhyaya) as I stayed into each of these poses for a longer duration with daily commitment. Sure enough, each pose was met with some discomfort and resistance which on closer introspection led to a deeper emotion lurking quietly within. The longer I stayed into the pose, melting into a space of surrender, revelations began to make regular visits. 

On one day, the word would be karuna (compassion) and I would be guided to invite compassion not only towards myself in my practice but towards situations and people that were disturbing my inner peace that day. As the days progressed, I began peeling into deeper layers of my emotional being. Parts of me, so unknown to me and then parts of me, so unacceptable to me. And on one such day while in backbend, very disturbed emotionally that day, not knowing the reason for this strong resistance or emotion, the word mudita made its appearance in my awareness. 

Mudita is appreciative joy towards the success of others. I knew what the context meant to me. Jealousy whispered my inner voice and my ego screamed in denial!! I broke down, not willing to accept myself as being someone who is jealous over the success of others. I tried to convince myself that it would have rather been ok if I were an angry person or sad person, but a jealous person was a taboo for me. But allowing myself karuna and diving deeper into this disconcerting emotion, emerged my answer. In accepting this unwanted part that was internally so very much a part of me, I saw what truly was a block preventing me from healing. 

Success of others to me in some way meant I was not perfect or good enough thus dragging me into a whirlpool of inner self pity and self sabotage. I was never ready for anything. Tasks left unfinished, always trying to prove myself and always feeling incomplete. Until the day mudita showed up in my practice and in my awareness. That day, I learned a very powerful and humbling lesson. It was ok for me to not be perfect. It was ok for me to love me just the way I was. It was ok for me to be in my pose just the way it was in that given moment. Sukham Sthiram Asanam.

Each day after that became a lesson in self acceptance. And then one day, without any expectation ( complete vairagya), unannounced came my reward. As I began to enter into matsyasana, I just melted into the pose with ease. As I switched from one backbend pose into another, there was now a rhythm, an ease. I witnessed for the first time the absence of resistance. All there was left was pure acceptance. Because I had now opened my heart to love.

So for all those of you out there who say you cannot do yoga because you are not flexible or you have stiff bodies, I invite you into this beautiful journey of yoga. Starting each day with where you are and how you are. Inviting svadhyaya into your sadhana and slowly and slowly moving each day with abhyasa and vairagya (practice and detachment), you will be gifted with guidance and inner healing and then one day unannounced you will experience Sukha Sthira Asana. Until then show yourself some karuna and for all those who hold the perfect pose better than you, show them some mudita.

I confess, I’m not FLEXIBLE but I do yoga!!

– By Mitchelle Matharu